I know why I never take my family out to eat. It’s only partly because it costs a fortune and because my kids will sit for all of seven minutes before the game of hide-and-seek under other patrons’ tables starts up — but it’s because of those awful CALORIES.

Enter KFC’s Double Down, 540 calories of salty bacon and cheese goodness sandwiched between fried chicken. You’ve heard a lot of talk about this. The guys in my office are in love with this sandwich and regularly make a lunchtime pilgrimage.

I’ve privately cringed at the thought of such a high-fat lunch, but recently the The Week featured a list of seven popular chain-restaurant meals that make KFC’s now infamous Double Down sandwich look like something they’d serve at a weight-loss spa.

More from The Stir: Apple iPhone Inspires Decadent iDesserts

I honestly didn’t think it possible to cram upward of 4,000 calories and 4,000 mg of salt (twice the recommended daily intake) into a singular midday meal, but here’s just a few to prove me wrong.

Beef Back Ribs from Claim Jumper = 4,301 calories and 7,623 mg of salt

Fresh Mex Sampler from Chevys = 2,560 calories and 4,130 mg of salt

Jalapeno Smokehouse Burger from Chili’s = 2,130 calories and 6,460 mg of salt

I’m surprised no one mentioned that onion from Outback Steakhouse. I don’t even want to know … find more ofAmerica’s Worst Meals at The Week.

More from The Stir: One-Pot Moroccan Chicken With Mint

Truthfully, I wasn’t shocked about the ribs and burgers being bad for you. But, upon further investigation, I was quite stunned to find that some of the so-called healthy foods I eat for lunch on a regular basis could give the Double-Down a run for its money. Maybe I’ll reconsider joining the gang for the next lunch trip …

Falafel. Deep fried and alone — without the yogurt sauce that makes them so tasty — these can run 230 calories per ball or patty, and I always eat at least two or three. In a pita, no less.

Rice and bean burrito. The beans are a great source of protein and fiber, but add the high-calorie rice, wrap, and sour cream that makes them so gooey and yummy and you’ve got a major fat blast – upward of 600 calories or more.

More from The Stir: New Applebee’s Burgers: Discriminating Against a City Near You?

Pizza. Even when I use the power towel trick and go with a more authentic, pizza parlor slice with a thin whole-wheat crust and minimal cheese, I’m looking roundabouts at 250 calories a slice. And it’s impossible to only eat one. I mean, that crust is so thin …

Salad. All the good stuff is ruined by the bad stuff we pour on top of it. Whether made with oil such as balsamic vinagrette or cream-based like French or blue cheese, salad dressings are mostly all fat and range from 40 to 90 calories a spoonful. Again, stop at just one? Not me!

So, as a public service, and because it’s fun, here is our list of the top 10 geeky Christmas decorations we could find. Please let us know if we’ve left out your favorite by leaving a comment.

10. Captain Kirk With Ripped Shirt Statue
The only reason this isn’t higher on the list, because it’s completely awesome, is that it may not actually be available for sale. It’s listed on designer Kurt Adler’s website, but we couldn’t find anywhere to actually buy it. Nevertheless, the idea of Kirk getting a new shirt for Christmas while wearing a ripped one is, really, sheer genius (and if you can find it for sale somewhere, please let us know!).

9. Star Wars Holiday Waterball Ornaments
How else could you create a miniature snowfall around the disembodied head of Chewbacca, Darth Vader or C3PO?

8. Cardboard Skull Wreath
Sure, it’s nontraditional. And yes, it’s a bit on the macabre side. But if you’ve ever wanted a way to show your Christmas spirit by decorating while at the same time proving that you’re a rebel against mainstream tradition, you could hardly find a better way. Plus, it’s really cool.

7. R2-D2 and Yoda String Lights
Yes, even your lights can be geeky. Are they any weirder than the popular chili pepper lights? Well, OK, yes, they are … but that’s just part of their charm!

6. Flying Spaghetti Monster Ornament
If the religious aspect of Christmas isn’t that important to you, or if you’d just like to be inclusive of other belief systems, why not include an image of His Noodliness on your tree?

5. Serenity as Reaver Ship Ornament
Because nothing says “Christmas” like a mercenary ship disguised to blend in with ships full of violently insane cannibals.

4. USB Computer Decoration Kit
Computers are such significant parts of every geek’s house, it seems natural to decorate them, too, doesn’t it?

3. Cthulhu Plush Wreath
Ignore the fact that Cthulhu is essentially the exact opposite of Jesus — in this depiction he’s green and red and looks like a wreath. How better to say “I’ve got the Christmas spirit, but that hasn’t caused my sense of humor to untwist?”

2. Darth Vader Nutcracker
And you thought he was tough when he remotely force-choked Admiral Ozzel in The Empire Strikes Back. Now he can crack your nuts, too! (Actually, we figure he probably cracked a lot of nuts, but George Lucas just didn’t put that in the movies because it would have made them less family-friendly. Seriously, though: Choking is all well and good, but then someone has to clean up the corpse, right?)

1. Yoda Tree Topper With LED Lightsaber
Be sure no Sith lords will attack your tree, you can. And you know, in Empire, Luke probably thought Yoda had a stick up his … but we digress. How awesome would this look on your tree?

Erik and Jennifer tied the knot on May 30th, 2009 with a ceremony at Grace Episcopal Church and a reception for 125 following at Durham Ranch. They went with a color palette of sage green, red and white and stuck to a tailored, elegant vibe. The bride rocked a Vera Wang gown and absolutely gorgeous Chanel Shoes. After the ceremony, Jennifer’s middle school principal drove the couple to their reception in one of his own vintage cars (how cute is that?). When the guests arrived at the reception, they were greeted by Sangria, Spanish tapas and a flamenco guitarist.

The photographer behind the day, Meg Smith…kind of hit it out of the park with this one. Her clean but totally elegant approach was perfection and allowed the picture perfect details to really, really shine. More to come in just a bit!

And spectacular it was. The table was heavy with vittles; dips, chips, carbs, and cupcakes abounded. Tiny sandwiches were made with spinach dip and triangles of rye bread. There were appearances of foreign foods from several different lands, beyond even the Midwest. My famous “Stew” was created once again when I placed crushed up barbecue potato chips on top of the spinach and tomato couscous and ate it with a fork. Yeah, that’s right. You don’t even know me. This party rocked.

The one complaint I had was all the waste. I swear, one girl spilled four drinks all by herself within about seven minutes. For real? I mean, for REAL? God. Anyhow, there was also the incident with the tray of vodka-infused jello. You see, the bottom layer, or “skin,” if you will, was extremely hard and chewy, so people were just eating the top and throwing the gross part out in the yard. I understand being disgusted by certain things, i.e. certain curry flavors, funny bites of chicken, seafood in general (sick, guys). But really, this was just jello! What a waste…what a shame.

Oh, and one last thing. I love Burger King as much as the next guy, but when somebody showed up dressed up as the king, I just about lost it. I HATE that king! I couldn’t even look at his stupid monkey face. Not a good representative of the delicious burgers they sell, my friends. Not at all.

Besides the obvious stupidity and creepiness described above so eloquently, I have to say…this was a damn good party. And you missed it. Suckers. That’s what you get for being such suckers. I would strongly suggest coming to see the new pictures. I mean, it won’t even be close, I can guarantee that. But it’ll be as close as you jerks will ever get. Damn. What would you even do without me?

Xoxo, delicious food

macaroni and cheese with tomatoes and peas

Couscous with spinach, tomatoes, and melted cheese

Mozzarella Cheese Sticks with Marinara Sauce (also delicious with CoolWip when in a munchie mood)

A cheese and ham party platter – a surprise from the sexiest Black Widow I’ve ever seen.

Life saving yogurt-covered pretzels – there was a rumor that one of the party hosts ate nothing but these and snap peas all night.

A Skeleton and Martian cake – dreadful! A delightful contribution from the Pearly Gates AND the Fires of Hell

Carl Scott, 17, is clearly delighted to see his old head: “He was fantastic. We always liked winding each other up. We had jokes and a laugh.”

Natalie Richardson, 18, who is learning hairdressing, agrees. “He was always funny and cheerful. He used to take the assembly and he said good things.”

Much of the bustling campus, which serves the needs of almost 300 students with special needs aged 11 to 19 from Stockton-on-Tees, came into being during Mike’s 11-year headship. There is the main secondary school building, which bears a plaque to commemorate its opening by education secretary Estelle Morris in 2000, another building housing a 16-19 college with a polytunnel and beehives outside it, a separate building for autistic students, a unit for very severely disabled children, and more.

The school also achieved national recognition and awards – it was the first special school in the country to gain specialist status as a technology college, it is recognised by the National Autistic Society as a centre of excellence for autistic education, and it is the lead school in a leading edge partnership, which made Mike an executive head.

The judges who selected Vening for the Ted Wragg lifetime achievement award said that over his 21 years at Abbey Hill, he showed that young people with special needs “can be valued and valuable members of the community”.

Business manager Edwin Thorman recalls: ” Mike had just arrived when the specialist status option became available. I was saying, just get settled in first. But Mike was more visionary. It was new, but he saw what it could mean for us and how we could capitalise on it.”

In a darkened room in their special unit, some seriously sensory-impaired children and their helpers are enjoying exploring the effects of light and touch with a range of interactive technology. This expensive equipment was bought with extra funding that came with specialist status.

Thorman said: “No child is ineducable. This technology can stimulate them, and help them to understand the relationship between cause and effect.”

Technology is used widely throughout Abbey Hill. “In a conventional classroom, a teacher who is demonstrating cookery tells the class to come over and watch. Our students may not be able to do that. So a close-up camera is trained on what the teacher is doing, and it is displayed on a big screen with a written narrative.”

Thorman was an ICT teacher in a mainstream school, and it was his involvement in using technology to enable a boy with cerebral palsy to use a word processor that brought him into special education. “He had never been able to write or communicate in any written form before and, when he could use the word processor, he started writing poetry. That blew me away and I thought, this is what I want to do.”

Vening is proud of having achieved specialist status for Abbey Hill. “They hold their head high leaving here because they are in a position where they are at a technical college and not a special school,” he says. “That can be where the pitch about inclusion falls down – we underestimate the upset and stigma that goes with some of the terminology we use.”

The recognition by the National Autistic Society, which involves having to show annual improvement, is another key achievement. This is for creating an environment “where they are not made to feel anxious, but where the challenge and demand of them is nonetheless rigorous.”

That seems to be the guiding principal across the whole campus, where there is a notable sense of energy and focus. School students are in uniform and give every indication of working hard, but there is a more collegiate atmosphere in the 16-19 building. That, too, has been popular with students.

The downside is that having to leave here at 19 remains a challenge for many. Partnerships with local FE colleges for further study and with firms such as a builders, caterers and solicitors mean that for some, “if they can meet the criteria for being a good worker”, there will be job opportunities. Within the college, enterprise has a high priority.

“We do jewellery making; we have a wood enterprise making benches and bird tables, greetings-card making; we keep bees, sell honey and beeswax; and we do bicycle repair and maintenance, repairing them for young people and also sending them to the third world.”

Vening was disappointed when an attempt to create another annexe for 19 to 25 was knocked back. “If we could keep them here until age 25, they could be protected from a society that is focused on material gain for a bit longer. At the end of that time, I hope they would be able to make sensible decisions from a position of confidence about what they might be able to do rather than feeling they had failed.

“The decision might be: I can’t compete in the job market or the academic world, but I want to take part. Society needs to find more ways for them to do that.”

Vening, at the end of his career just as  at the start, is pushing the boundaries of special education. “The limit of what we can do is really the limit of our imagination.”

The Ted Wragg award for lifetime achievement

Regional winners

Maggie Richards, Thomas Tallis school, London; Grahame Webb, The Emmanuel CE middle school, South; Susan Carr, Wombwell Park Street primary, North; Bernard Nicholson, The Trinity school, East Midlands; Lesley Deninson, Ainsdale CE primary, North-west; Geraint Williams, Ysgol Cynfran Llysfaen, Wales; Michael Southworth, King Edward VI Camp Hill school, West Midlands; Patricia McManus, Rathmore primary, Northern Ireland; Cheryl Everitt, East Preston junior, South-east; Vic Galyer, Challney high, East; John F MacKenzie, Oban high, Scotland; Diane Riley, St Mary’s RC primary, West

In the latest case, the culprits had wrapped the bars in carbon sheets to escape from metal detectors, but landed in the Customs net owing to intelligence inputs. “Our officials found two passengers Mohammad Israth of Kandy in Sri Lanka and Mohammad Shahul of Ramanathapuram in Tamil Nadu in uneasy postures and hence picked them up for questioning. Showing no resistance, they admitted to carrying gold in their rectum,” said R Periasami, commissioner of customs.

In the past 20 days alone, the Chennai Airport Customs has seized 7.5 kg of gold bars and jewellery from passengers who evaded paying customs duty. This year, so far, the customs has seized Rs 1.16-crore worth gold. The Directorate of Revenue Intelligence seized another Rs 1.5-crore worth gold. It is a huge jump from the seizures in the last two years — Rs 87.79-lakh and Rs 36-lakh worth gold respectively.

The steep hike in bullion rates, coupled with the increase in customs duty on import of gold (from Rs 10 to Rs 20 per gm in the last budget) have led to a spurt in instances of gold smuggling in recent times, so much so that Chennai, which is one of the top consumers of gold jewellery, also tops the list of entry points for smuggled gold in the country, feel industry sources.

The seizures could be just the tip of the iceberg, as going by accepted norms, only 10 per cent of smuggled contraband lands in customs net. For instance, Israth, by his own admission, had flown to Chennai last month with a huge consignment of gold jewellery. It is estimated that an average of 90 to 100 tonnes of gold is smuggled into the country, mostly from Dubai, Singapore and Colombo, per annum. Much of that is done using carriers. It is almost 20 per cent of what the country imports legally (500 tonnes, mainly through banks), noted industry sources.

With investment in gold yielding 20 per cent returns (Rs 1,246 per gm to Rs 1494 per gm) in the past 10 months alone, many who had given up smuggling of gold following liberalisation of the economy in the early 90’s, have re-surfaced on the scene with more vigour, said a customs official. “Some buy gold in foreign countries and bring them to India using carriers weeks and months later when the price shoots up,” an official with the Directorate of Revenue Intelligence said.

Smugglers are looking at a lucrative profit of Rs 36 per gm (customs duty of Rs 20 per gm and value added tax of Rs 16 per gm), which any legal importer has to pay. In the case of smuggling of gold ornaments, the profit is much more because making charges and wastage of gold in jewellery making in countries like Singapore is at least 10 per cent lower than that of India. The launch of budget airlines in international sectors made smuggling still profitable.

“Gold smuggling, apart from being a major revenue loss for the exchequer, is also a big threat for jewellers who follow strict guidelines. Since smuggled gold can be sold at cheaper rates, jewellers who have links with smugglers enjoy an undue advantage. It affects the business of reputed jewellery shops,” noted K Shivram, vice-president of World Gold Council.

The couple began crossing together from the south to the north side of Finch Ave. E. at Blackbird Gt., just east of Nielson Rd., around 7:15 a.m., Toronto Police say. But the man hurried ahead to stop the bus.

He looked back just in time to see a Chevrolet Cavalier slam into his wife.

“She died on impact,” Const. Hugh Smith of Traffic Services said of the 63-year-old Malvern woman, who smashed through the car’s windshield and ended up virtually in the driver’s lap.

Smith said it was dark at the time and the roads were wet, both of which are believed to be factors in the pedestrian’s death. There is also no traffic light at the intersection and Finch was recently widened from two to four lanes, making more of a challenge for people to walk across to the bust stop, he said.

No charges are expected to be laid.

After the accident, the woman’s husband was comforted by family and fellow members of the area’s Somali community, Smith said.

He said the man driving the car and the bus driver, who also witnessed the fatality, were both in shock as well.

The victim lived near the scene, Smith said. Her name was not immediately released.

She is the 36th person to die on city streets so far this year and the fifth fatality since Sunday. A section of Finch was closed throughout the morning as investigators re-constructed the collision.

Smith said traffic accidents have been on the rise recently and he urged both motorists and pedestrians to be careful.

“A lot of it has to do with the time of year,” he said. “It’s staying darker longer.”

Watches? For the homeless?

“It does strike me as surprising, if not shocking,’’ said Mary Brosnahan, the executive director for the Coalition for the Homeless, who had not heard of the program. “I have a waiting room of people every morning in desperate need of help, and I’ve been at the coalition for 20 years and never heard anyone say they needed a watch.”

The gift program has been around since 2002 when the city decided that providing small, personal items to a needy population would be a nice, useful gesture. Over the years, purchasing orders (one pictured below) show that the city has spent about $25,000 buying more than 6,500 watches and thousands of dollars more buying scarves and other gifts for single men and women in the shelter system. Officials say they try to keep the cost below $10 a person.

New York’s generosity is rare among cities, according to Philip F. Mangano, former executive director of the United States Interagency Council on Homelessness in Washington. He applauded city officials for taking risks in their efforts to serve an often invisible minority.

“Some taxpayers, I’m sure, might say, ‘Oh, that might seem frivolous or luxurious in a certain way,’ ” he said, “not realizing the nuances that are again taken for granted by most of us about that aspect of daily life.’’

The “GS-95″ digital watches that the city rejected in 2006 in favor of watches costing more than twice the price.

For example, he said, given the need to be punctual for job interviews or shelter curfews, a gift like a watch can make sense. “It fosters a bit more of a sense of independence,’’ he said.

City officials said that while they have continued to give items like scarves, gloves and backpacks in recent years, they have not given out watches since 2006. Robert V. Hess, the commissioner of the city’s Department of Homeless Services, said, however, that the agency had not been dissatisfied with the concept of giving watches, or with the watches themselves. “Generally, people felt it had some value, and clients were benefiting,” he said.

Records show that the city paid $6.75 apiece for the watches that year, more than twice what it had paid in prior years. Officials said the city did not select the lowest bid because the cheaper watches, pictured above, would have needed a battery replacement after one year. The watches they selected instead came from Finesse Creations of Brooklyn and were a water-resistant men’s watch with a metal band and quartz movement.

Regardless of whether future gifts will be watches, warm clothes or something else, it is not clear that the city will be able to continue its giving gifts this year, Mr. Hess said. “These are very difficult economic times,’’ he said.

Gifts for homeless children would not be affected because they are traditionally donated by others.

Advocates for the homeless say financial strains are evident throughout a city system that spends more than $700 million a year to meet the needs of the homeless. David Obele, one of three New York City monitors charged with checking on shelter conditions under a 1981 consent decree, [pdf] said the city often did not meet a court-ordered requirement to provide basic items like fresh sheets, blankets and towels on a weekly basis. “When they can’t have pillows, why give them watches?’’ he asked.

City officials refused to name the shelters where they have distributed gifts, “due to client confidentiality,’’ but they said the watches were distributed at shelters the city operates for single adults, such as a large men’s shelter in Brooklyn, at the corner of Bedford and Atlantic Avenues.

Several men outside that shelter this month said they have lived there for several years but do not remember getting a watch or other gift from the city. They would welcome one.

“You want to know what time it is, you got to ask someone,’’ said Gregory Session, 49.

Three other homeless men yanked up their sleeves to show they indeed did not have timepieces.

“Hey, I’m late, man,’’ joked Willie Fluellen, 48, gazing at his naked wrist.